Are we ready to say no more babies? Life’s hard decisions.

It’s been a bit since I’ve last blogged. Life is hectic! My husband started real estate school and so our weeks are just insane. I thought, is there a better way to jump back in then to write about something that’s very near and dear to my heart? Something that has been weighing on me heavily lately:

Are we ready to say no to more babies?

And honestly, there is no clear cut answer here. The answer is – I DON’T KNOW. I really don’t. But I feel like I kind of have to know. I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to make this decision. If you’ve read my story in the About Me section of my blog, then you know that I had a laproscopy a few years ago to remove my endometriosis so that my husband and I could conceive naturally. When the doctor went in he found a very ugly scenario in there and recommended that we jump straight to IVF – and we decided to do that. One thing my doctor was very clear about though, was the fact that I would eventually HAVE to have corrective surgery to deal with my endometriosis. It’s all jacked up in there. A colleague told me a story about a woman who had endometriosis that spread throughout her body and ended up in ICU for ten days fighting for her life. I know that’s not the typical scenario, but I don’t even want to risk is. So that begs the question – what do I do?

After I had the twins, I thought and said – we are done. This is it. I said it with so much finality. Part of me believes what I said. But the other part of me asks, “What if…?” I feel like I am too young to make that kind of permanent decision. In short, if I have the corrective surgery I will most likely be unable to carry a pregnancy ever again. I may even have to have a complete hysterectomy. And the problem is, I just don’t know anymore if that’s something I’m comfortable with. What if I regret it?! Can I be even more honest and speak from my heart?

A couple of years ago, my husband dreamed about a little girl. In the dream she spoke some very sweet words to my husband (which I will keep between hubs and I) and somewhere in my heart I wonder if we are suppose to have a little girl at some point. I’m perplexed. Here’s my line of thoughts:

  • Are we suppose get pregnant again? If so, how? “Naturally” or through IVF? And how the heck can I even get pregnant naturally with all of my issues?
  • What if we are supposed to adopt a little girl?
  • What if we are supposed to foster a little girl?
  • What is the timing of all of this supposed to look like? Cause I’m NOT ready for any of this at this exact moment in my life!
  • What if we are supposed to do NOTHING and this really IS it for us?
  • What if I’m making something out of nothing?
  • Do I even want to be pregnant ever again after everything we went through with the boys? My heart says no…

That’s where my heart is. A long list of I don’t knows. Because I don’t. A part of me can’t even imagine being pregnant again. The experience was beautiful and traumatic. The end result is beautiful though. Simply beautiful. But I just don’t know if I could handle all of that again. My husband is supportive either way and his heart is open either way. That’s where we are at.

I feel bad even thinking this at times when I think of all of the people who are still waiting for the one. It feels selfish to ask these questions when I think of friends, both real world and blogger world, who are going through the road of infertility. Nonetheless, these questions float to the surface of my heart. In the end, my life and “my” plans are in God’s hands. I want HIS plans for my life above all.

I will be posting pictures of the boys soon! <3

7 thoughts on “Are we ready to say no more babies? Life’s hard decisions.

  1. randomsqueaks says:

    I’ve been pondering this topic myself lately. So many people assume that we’re “done” because we have a boy and a girl. Not necessarily! What if we want a big family? We do have two frozen embryos after all. I can’t handle another baby right now either but I don’t want to say never.

  2. pinkcanuck says:

    That’s a hard one. To add to your list of thoughts, “what if we get pregnant again but it’s another boy…or twin boys? what happens to the dream of a little girl then?” To me, this seems like your answer re: pregnancy. You wrote: “Do I even want to be pregnant ever again after everything we went through with the boys? My heart says noโ€ฆ”
    When it comes to children, it seems like it’s a decision made by the heart and not the head. If it was done by the head-only, I don’t think many people would do it! Based on your post here, it seems like you feel like in your heart you are done with pregnancy. That doesn’t mean you are done with your dream of a girl. Maybe its fostering, or adoption, or being a special mentor to a girl. Or maybe your heart will change and you’ll want to do pregnancy again. Whatever you decide, I hope that peace will guide your decision! All the best!!

    • Tales of a Twin Mombie says:

      Thanks for your thoughtful response! You spoke a lot of truths that hit home! Especially when you said, “it seems like itโ€™s a decision made by the heart and not the head.” It’s something I am going to continue to pray about! xo <3

  3. Tales of a Twin Mombie says:

    Thanks girl! I know, I’m telling you after twins it seems like it should be a lot easier to have a singleton. By then I would feel like PRO! haha

  4. Elisha says:

    I am SOOO stinkin’ far behind on commenting on this post. I read it after you posted it, however I read it from my phone and I HATE commenting on my phone. LOL! I think that you will just “know” and have the peace when it is time to stop growing your family. I think you feel uneasy at the moment or at least uncertain because now is not the time to grow your family. But I would venture to say that when the boys are older and maybe even able to help and go grab a diaper or pacifier then you might be ready. I have often told Daniel that if we get pregnant now with Goldilocks here, then she will be a HUGE help! She loves to help and get things for me already. So try not to stress sugars ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you much! xo

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