It’s been a bit since I’ve last blogged. Life is hectic! My husband started real estate school and so our weeks are just insane. I thought, is there a better way to jump back in then to write about something that’s very near and dear to my heart? Something that has been weighing on me heavily lately:
Are we ready to say no to more babies?
And honestly, there is no clear cut answer here. The answer is – I DON’T KNOW. I really don’t. But I feel like I kind of have to know. I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to make this decision. If you’ve read my story in the About Me section of my blog, then you know that I had a laproscopy a few years ago to remove my endometriosis so that my husband and I could conceive naturally. When the doctor went in he found a very ugly scenario in there and recommended that we jump straight to IVF – and we decided to do that. One thing my doctor was very clear about though, was the fact that I would eventually HAVE to have corrective surgery to deal with my endometriosis. It’s all jacked up in there. A colleague told me a story about a woman who had endometriosis that spread throughout her body and ended up in ICU for ten days fighting for her life. I know that’s not the typical scenario, but I don’t even want to risk is. So that begs the question – what do I do?
After I had the twins, I thought and said – we are done. This is it. I said it with so much finality. Part of me believes what I said. But the other part of me asks, “What if…?” I feel like I am too young to make that kind of permanent decision. In short, if I have the corrective surgery I will most likely be unable to carry a pregnancy ever again. I may even have to have a complete hysterectomy. And the problem is, I just don’t know anymore if that’s something I’m comfortable with. What if I regret it?! Can I be even more honest and speak from my heart?
A couple of years ago, my husband dreamed about a little girl. In the dream she spoke some very sweet words to my husband (which I will keep between hubs and I) and somewhere in my heart I wonder if we are suppose to have a little girl at some point. I’m perplexed. Here’s my line of thoughts:
- Are we suppose get pregnant again? If so, how? “Naturally” or through IVF? And how the heck can I even get pregnant naturally with all of my issues?
- What if we are supposed to adopt a little girl?
- What if we are supposed to foster a little girl?
- What is the timing of all of this supposed to look like? Cause I’m NOT ready for any of this at this exact moment in my life!
- What if we are supposed to do NOTHING and this really IS it for us?
- What if I’m making something out of nothing?
- Do I even want to be pregnant ever again after everything we went through with the boys? My heart says no…
That’s where my heart is. A long list of I don’t knows. Because I don’t. A part of me can’t even imagine being pregnant again. The experience was beautiful and traumatic. The end result is beautiful though. Simply beautiful. But I just don’t know if I could handle all of that again. My husband is supportive either way and his heart is open either way. That’s where we are at.
I feel bad even thinking this at times when I think of all of the people who are still waiting for the one. It feels selfish to ask these questions when I think of friends, both real world and blogger world, who are going through the road of infertility. Nonetheless, these questions float to the surface of my heart. In the end, my life and “my” plans are in God’s hands. I want HIS plans for my life above all.
I will be posting pictures of the boys soon! <3