Motherhood. There are so many words to describe it – awesome, beautiful, intense, overwhelming, exciting, scary, nerve wrecking, rewarding..it’s like no other and I would never trade it for the world. I’ve longed for it and now it’s here..and I’m so grateful. But guess what? Being a mom is also super hard. I don’t really think anything prepares you for it…no matter how many books you read, people you talk to, advice you get..nothing truly prepares you for it until you are thrown into it. WOW.
It changes you so instantly. It changes your life so instantly and so dramatically. But dang, it’s pretty hard too. To be responsible for two lives and for them eating, sleeping..basically living..it’s all on me! I’m so in love with these little guys. Everything else fades away…but again, it’s hard. I’ve been trying my best to take care of myself, but I don’t think I’ve been doing the best job. I forget to eat or simply don’t have the time, sleep isn’t too bad but it’s not the best it could be either. Yesterday my sister-in-law came over because hubby had to take Josiah to get checked out because we thought he may have an ear infection (he didn’t thankfully). She pretty much lectured me on taking care of myself and them made me some food. She was right. I’m trying. But it’s a good day if I can shower when I’m on my own, let alone do anything else.
Micah had an appointment with the pulmonologist on Tuesday and she was able to witness one of his Micah’s meltdowns. She told me what I already know..not normal, definitely in some kind of pain and she gave me some tips to try. On top of that, we found out he has a yeast infection in his mouth (I knew something was off, his tongue was white but I thought it was breast milk residue..always trust your instincts) so she prescribed him some medicine for that (just add another med for Micah Bear). It made me feel good that someone finally believed me when I said Micah’s cry is NOT normal. When I try to explain that to my doctors, since they never witness it, it’s like they try to brush it off “he will grow out of it…” UM, unless you are at home with me listening to him straight up SCREAM, it’s not okay and not fun. Especially when you are on your own and its been hours. I wish I could get them to understand this. Even his GI doctor doesn’t seem to get it. Thank you pulmonologist..I knew I wasn’t crazy. Yesterday Josiah decided to join in on the screaming..which is why we thought he had an ear infection. He doesn’t and thankfully he is much more calm today. ::wiping sweat from my brow::
This week my mom wasn’t able to help me because she’s taking a pediatrics course (she’s a nurse) and she had to study this whole week so she can do well on her test. It’s been really hard without her! She’s so calming and she’s my mom so she’s my ultimate source of comfort. When she’s here I don’t have to try to entertain her or anything, she just does her thing and is the best help ever. I had to have my mother-in-law help me this week. Her and I aren’t super close…my husband just recently reestablished a relationship with her earlier this year..but I appreciated the help. But still…can’t wait to have my mom again Monday and Tuesday.
And guess what? My husband works a DOUBLE this Sunday. This means he works from 7:30 am – 11:00 pm. Not by choice either..he’s a manager pretty much has to. NOOOOOOOO. Rough.
So yeah, it’s hard when I’m on my own and both babies want to be held and cuddled or somehow signal each other to start screaming or crying at the same time. I don’t like to just let them cry, especially Micah because when he cries he starts to wheeze, sweats profusely and seems like he’s on the brink of respiratory distress. No bueno!
Man..this post seems negative. Not what I intended, however, my blog is the place where I can be real and just keep it honest.
This Saturday we are daring to venture out of the house with the boys to visit friends. This is a huge deal for me. I think that once we begin to leave the house more often, the better and more normal I will feel. Since we have had to isolate ourselves and have been on lockdown, it’s been really hard on me because normally I’m the opposite of that. Always busy, very social, always running around. So to be in my house ALL of the time is making me a little stir crazy. MUST. GET. OUT. For my sanity. I will use all wisdom and still do not plan on bringing the boys to places that would be unwise to bring them..but at the same time, there is no way I can be a recluse until April. It’s not good for my mental health…and I need to be at my best for my babies. For now, I shall watch Project Runway in the darkness and wait for my hubby to get home. Babies are sleeping.
p.s. don’t get me wrong, in loveeee with being a mom, in loveeee with my boys, in loveeee with my husband. But like I said, this thing is pretty hard. 🙂