The past couple of days have been rough. Yesterday was a really horrible day. Micah was admitted to the hospital Monday because he has RSV. He was doing okay and was pretty much staying consistently the same until yesterday. In the wee hours of the morning on Friday I noticed that Micah was not cuing to eat like he normally would. Normally, Micah would be ready to eat about every 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours. However, Friday in the wee hours I noticed that he was not waking for his feedings. He would fuss but he was not being his normal self. By hour 4 I would have to wake him up myself. When I finally did start to feed him, it would take him about an hour to get the whole bottle down. an HOUR. He would gulp fast and then he would have to pause to catch his breath. Friday in the morning when the doctor came in to check him out, I brought up my concerns and the doctor did some close observing as well..after seeing how fast his chest was retracting he decided to transfer Micah to the same hospital as his twin brother, Josiah. This hospital is in another state about an hour away but is one of the best pediatric hospitals in the country. The doctor felt that he would receive the best care and be in the best place equipped to help him get through this. I was fine until the team came to transfer my precious baby. When I had to say “goodbye” and saw him all enclosed in the little isolette struggling to breathe, I lost it. My mom was with me and we both were just a complete wreck. Seeing your precious baby in that condition and not being able to do anything to help him is the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
My husband got out of work and we packed out bags and headed to the hospital. We decided that one parent would be with Josiah and that one would be with Micah. Since I had spent most of my time around Micah, I would continue to be with him so that we would not get Josiah sick. When we arrived at the hospital, right before we were about to go in, we got the horrible news – Micah had to be intubated. This means that they needed to put a tube down his throat to help give him a “break” so that his lungs can heal. When I walked in to see him I immediately shattered into a thousand pieces. Seeing him hooked up to machines and having all of these tubes in and around him is just horrendous. This is what I walked into…
The doctors tried to console me but how can you console a mother and possibly make her feel better when this is her baby’s condition? My Micah Bear. This was Friday. Today it’s Sunday and he has not gotten better or worse. The doctor warned me that it can get worse before it gets better. They have been suctioning his lungs to get all of the junk out of it. His lungs are very wet. They also had to insert a catheter to help him urinate on top of giving him a diuretic. He is sedated so that he can receive this treatment. There are times when his eyes open and he moves around…it’s like he’s looking for us and asking us to get him out of here.
I have so many things happening inside my mind. Guilt. How could I have prevented this? Micah did not receive visitors besides family and even that was minimal (I’m talking my brother in law, best friend, and mom). We didn’t take him anywhere except for the pediatrician. No one who visited was sick. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? When we were in the NICU and the babies were first born they made us watch some training videos and one of the videos they made us watch was one about RSV. I kept thinking, no way I’m going to let my babies get that. Yet, here we are. Doctors have assured me that because they are preemies their immune system was especially susceptible and it could have been anything. But still, I feel so terribly awful. As a mom, you’re supposed to protect your child. Another emotion I feel is sheer TERROR. I’m struggling with fear and fighting it so that it won’t consume me. There are times where I feel like I’m going to faint or like I am fighting a panic attack. I walk around feeling empty, hollow, and like I am in a terrible nightmare. That I will wake up and this will all be some horrible horrible dream.
I have been holding on to my faith. For some reason that I can’t fathom, we are going through this. I have asked God truthfully, “Lord..we went through so much to get pregnant, why are we going through this?” I have so many questions but no answers. But who can truly know the mind of God or understand why these things happen? I have been holding on to some of my favorite biblical promises: “He works all things out for the good of those that love him..”
I also keep holding on to the fact that these babies are my greatest BLESSING! I truly believe that God did not put them in our lives just to rip them from us. Despite all of the horrid things that are trying to swirl around in my mind, I am looking towards the brighter days that I believe HAVE to be ahead of us. It has been a month and I have enjoyed one baby at home for a week. I am ready for normalcy and to feel like a “regular” mom who can celebrate her babies one month milestone (which is tomorrow by the way).
Yesterday my husband saw Micah for the first time and cried. Seeing him impacted him because of all the swelling around his eyes and on his body from the fluids. My husband decided that we needed to go to church the next day, since our home church is in the same state as this hospital (yep, we travel an hour away and out of state to attend our church. It’s that good). I struggled but agreed. It’s been SO long since we have attended church (about a month, which is about 378219 years for us). My husband felt that we needed to renew our faith and be surrounded by a good support. We desperately needed prayer. So that’s what we did this morning. I was really hesitant to go because I was thinking to myself, “wow…the last time I was here, I was pregnant. I should be walking in to church with my boys.” I was also nervous because I didn’t want to be flooded and bombarded with questions about their condition and all of that. I simply needed to sit in the house of God and receive spiritual healing. My husband promised to “protect” me and did a good job with it. We sat in the front near our beloved Pastors and got what we needed so badly. As soon as my pastor took the mic he began to pray for my two boys…the church joined in with extreme fervor and passion. Afterwards when it was time to meet and greet one another, we didn’t have to leave our seats. Everyone came up to us, hugged us, encouraged us, and provided words of comfort. It was much needed. Of course, I did what I do best lately..cried and cried.
What really touched me is this – there is a woman in our church who lost her husband several weeks ago suddenly. Came out of NOWHERE. She is the sweetest woman ever. However, because it was around the time of me being admitted to the hospital with preeclampsia and delivering my two boys…we didn’t get to communicate the way I would have liked. Today she came up to ME, crying and telling me how much she loved me and how she knew without a doubt the boys were going to be okay, and that she was praying for us. I told her how sorry I was about the loss of her husband and we both just held each other for awhile. At the end of the service she slipped a check into my hands for $100. Wow. The amazing people at my church continue to be such a blessing.
Did I mention that one of the members of my church works in the food department of this hospital so we have received all of our meals for free which has been a HUGE financial blessing and one less thing for us to worry about.
My Pastor preached an awesome and encouraging message. Our whole church is standing with us in faith and prayer for Micah Bear. Please stand with us too. This is a really hard time. If you’ve gone through something similar or know someone who has gone through a similar situation and had a good outcome, please share. I can use all of the encouragement I can get.
As a person who struggled with IF you assume that once the babies are born things are “good” but we’ve embarked on a whole different kind of road. Looking forward to those brighter days.