Yesterday, two of our good friends, Roberto & Ana, came over (who have an adorable five month old by the way) to bring us a “gift.” They were friends who knew about our struggles with trying to conceive. When my hubby was speaking with Roberto a couple of weeks ago, he disclosed the fact that we experienced a chemical pregnancy. Roberto was so upset by this news, he started to tear up and offered words of encouragement to my husband..which really touched hubby. Anyway, a week later, he texted us letting us know him and his wife wanted to drop off something to us. So, yesterday they came over briefly armed with a box of chocolate covered strawberries, bananas, and apples..and an encouraging card. It was very touching, When I first heard that they were coming over, I was apprehensive. The last thing that I wanted to do was relieve the pain, cry, or even think about what happened..but it wasn’t like that at all. They simply wanted us to know they were in our corner, rooting and praying for our success. I feel incredibly blessed to have them as friends.
It is the most unlikely of people who are proving to be the greatest support system for us. I thought it would have been our best friends…but strangely enough it has been the people from my job and people that I would not expect. It’s weird…our best friends never bring it up. When we told them about it over dinner, I cried..they sympathized and tried to understand…then we kind of ignored the topic for the rest of the night. I can’t blame them. After all, what DO you say? How DO you act? With certain people..I don’t want to talk about it..but I also felt like it was dismissed. I don’t know…I guess I expected more from them. Sometimes my husband and I just feel so alone and also like people that do know about our struggles don’t necessarily care..or at least not the ones we expect too! IF is such a lonely road. Even with an amazing support system…since they can’t really relate to what I’m going through, I still feel alone. That’s why this blog is such an outlet to me. Sometimes I want to say the following things to people:
People – How are you?
Me – AWFUL. Do you know what it’s like to have a needle stuck in you every day? Every day when you hate needles! Every day when your husband says “Does it hurt?” and I say “Of course it hurts! It’s a needle!” Especially the needle that has to go in your butt! That one makes me bleed because I tense up and it’s terrible terrible terrible. Do you know what it’s like to want to have a baby on your own but you can’t? Instead you have to depend on medications, needles, and your body feels all out of wack? Do you know what it’s like to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant..only to find out JUST KIDDING..you’re not..it’s a chemical pregnancy. Then, you have to deal with the loss..which some people don’t even consider a loss..but to you, it’s very real and very sad. You feel like the good news was just snatched away from you..and you shouldn’t have gotten too happy too soon. Do you know what it’s like to have to start from scratch?
I’m sorry. I try to stay pleasant but I had to get that off of my chest. Sometimes, I just want to scream. I feel like IF has alienated me from my best friend. There, I will say it. Because as much as I love her, I’m incredibly hurt that her biggest concern is her wedding and how my possible pregnancy (if I were to get pregnant) would affect her wedding. I feel like it is insensitive and downright hurtful…and even selfish. Doesn’t she understand that if I had any control over getting pregnant, I would have gotten pregnant a year ago? Does she understand that I don’t want to wait an entire year to have a baby because of her wedding? That after her wedding is over, our lives will go on? THAT PEOPLES LIVES DON’T SIMPLY STOP BECAUSE A PERSON IS GETTING MARRIED! Lord, help me. I am the maid of honor. Something I have looked forward to since we were kids..but a part of me is so frustrated and so stinkin’ mad. Where is the sensitivity chip? Or maybe I’m being too sensitive. Who knows.
This is why I’m grateful for people like Roberto and Ana. I’m grateful for the people at my job. People who may not necessarily understand every step that I’m going through, but get that this is a very difficult and painful process. I appreciate those who are praying for us, rooting for our success…wanting this to work out for us. I know our best friends care and are praying for us too..but I just want a simple “Hey…how are you guys? How are you doing with everything?” That’s simply all I want. I’m sorry I have come off like a complainer but I needed to get that out.
On a lighter note…my husband’s father, who he has not seen for four years..is with us for a week from Puerto Rico! This has been amazing for my husband, who has missed his father and longed for a better relationship with him. My hubby took off the whole week from work and has been having an amazing time with his father. I’m grateful for the timing. Have a fantastic weekend all! Good luck to all of my fellow IF people <3 You are always in my thoughts and prayers..always.