’s a “chemical pregnancy..” What an awful term.

So, we are officially not pregnant. On Thursday I received a phone call that devastated me. I checked my phone during my lunch and saw that my RE called. This immediately brought up red flags because they don’t normally call unless there is a concern. I called them in my friend’s classroom because that’s where we eat lunch, all of our other classrooms have students in them. So while my friends were eating, I went into a corner to make the phone call. As soon as I got the nurse on the phone, I said “Is this bad news or good news?” She said, “It’s bad..” and proceeded to tell me that my beta numbers had dropped drastically and that I had a “chemical pregnancy.” She said she was so, so, sorry as I started crying. I couldn’t even think of any questions to ask because I felt so overwhelmed.

My friends saw how upset I was and everyone started comforting me as I told them what happened. The girls at my job are the absolute best. One of them went to the office to let them know I would be leaving, another went to my classroom to get my car keys so I could just leave, and another one set up lesson plans for my afternoon class. I pretty much was able to walk out of there with no worries. I headed home (hysterical pretty much) and my husband met me there. He left his job early too so that we could comfort each other and pretty much mourn’s honestly devastating to think that you are pregnant, get excited, start planning in your head (even though it’s early, you just feel so excited) and then be told that you’re not pregnant.

It pretty much feels like the world is playing a cruel joke on you. I kept thinking, “What are we going wrong? Why is this happening to us?” In my heart I know that there is no answer to this. We have to just keep holding on and keep trying.

After I was able to get my bearings together, I had a bunch of questions for my RE so I called them with my list of questions. They told me that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this or anything, that we did everything right. I also wanted to know what my exact numbers were. Well, my beta started out at 104-106 then it dropped to 54, then it dropped to 9. I then wanted to know, what next? Do we transfer our frozen eggs, can we even DO IVF again and would insurance cover it? If we did decide to go with IVF again, when would that be? And all of that jazz.

Basically, we were told that we have three more tries of IVF that our insurance would cover. We have four tries all together in our lifetime. We could transfer the eggs if they thaw out in good condition and our chances at getting pregnant would be just as high. However, if the insurance company counts the transfer as another “try” at getting pregnant, that could mean we would only have two rounds of IVF. Our RE said that if that’s the case then we should just do another round of IVF since it’s more expensive and a transfer is about $1,500. What my husband and I would like to do though, is to transfer the two eggs (if they thaw our properly) and just pay out of pocket. We would rather do that than do another round of IVF, unless we absolutely have to.

I’m going to be honest. I HATE IVF. I hate the needles, the shots, I especially hate being late to my job everyday, wasting sick days, going in for ultra sound after ultra sound..the end result is well worth it, and if I have to do I will. But, I would like to avoid it all costs if possible. If I have to do another round of IVF maybe I would wait for the spring, the end of the year, or even the summer. I don’t even know.

All I know is that I want to get pregnant and soon. I can’t correct my endometriosis and all of the craziness that’s going on without risking my chances of carrying my own baby. So..until I can have a baby..everything is on hold. All I want, is a precious, beautiful baby of my own. I will keep praying, keep believing, and keep holding on to hope.

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