Still going through the storm.

Micah is still in the hospital, still intubated, still not home. He developed some type of infection in his lungs in addition to the RSV…not good. The nurses have assured me that this is very typical of the RSV virus…that this can happen. However, I keep seeing it as more bad news. It’s not something a mother wants to hear. They weaned him down to 30% help on the ventilator but today’s blood work shows that he needs to go back up to 40% and receive more support. In my opinion, I think they tried to wean him off when he wasn’t quite ready for it. His blood work is showing that he still needs the support. It’s a really scary place to be in. I just want him to live.

Bittersweet part is that Josiah went home yesterday with my husband. This normally would have been a day where we would have been jumping up and down with joy..but a part of us was terrified..we don’t want Josiah to get RSV. This means that we had people come to our house and completely strip it of everything and sanitize the heck out of it. There is also a rule, no one can come to see Josiah. The only people who have access to him are our mothers and that’s it. We allowed them only because with my husband still working, we needed help to watch him while I am out of state with Micah. I have not seen Josiah for a week. My husband and mom facetimed me yesterday so I could hang with him and talk to him. It wasn’t the same but it was something and I was grateful for the bit of light in the midst of the darkness I’ve been in.

Everyday I wake up and it’s the same – please let this nightmare end. Please tell me I am not in another state with my baby who is essentially fighting for his life. I just want to have my family reunited and healthy.  The two precious gifts that we fought so hard to have. The best blessings of our entire lives. It can’t end like this. I’m fighting against hopelessness. I am listening to songs of hope, faith, and reading the Word while fighting against a hopelessness that is trying to consume me. I can’t let it win. I won’t.

Something that is still especially difficult about this process is that I am a state away from my husband. This means that I am staying out here alone and dealing with all of the news with Micah, conversations with doctors, and all of that..completely on my own. It’s incredibly overwhelming. This means that I shed lots of tears. I am homesick and heartsick…I simply want my little family to be happy, HEALTHY, whole, and REUNITED. That’s the deepest desire of my heart.

Micah has been blessed with some awesome nurses. I think God has placed these particular nurses in my path as well. They are very calming, comforting, and supportive. Two of my nurses are mother’s of fraternal twins. They have been so loving towards Micah and have shown me a lot of love and support too..which is nice since most of my support is about an hour away.

Josiah had his first doctor’s appointment today. My husband took him. Beforehand I spoke with the office and told them that under no condition would Josiah even enter their practice unless he could immediately go back to the room where he would receive his checkup. This family will never ever again sit in a waiting room full of germs. No way no how. They agreed to that. Josiah is 6 pounds and 2 ounces. My boy is the size of a regular newborn baby. The doctor listened to his heart and heard a slight heart murmur. When he was in the NICU he had a bit of an irregular heartbeat and received an EKG and everything came back fine. However, his doctor wants us to follow up with a cardiologist about his heart murmur. They are also sending us to make sure his hips are okay since he was breeched. They want to make sure his hips were not displaced but she said she is doing this as a checkup, there is absolutely no reason to think they are according to her checkup. Better safe than sorry I suppose. Other than that, he is eating like a champ (3-4 ounces every three to four hours). He wants to catch up since he spent his first month in two different hospitals. He’s such a cutie pie. I miss him SO much.

I want my two boys to be reunited again.

As for me, I’ve lost too much weight over this past month. Due to pumping, stress, and living in hospitals. It’s taken a toll on what I’m eating..or should I say, not eating. After the babies were born I went down to 99 pounds..and at this point I’m sure I lost even more. MY clothes are hanging off of me.I’m not proud of my weight loss at all. It’s actually a bit disconcerting. I’m trying to take care of myself so I can be the best mom that I can be to my boys.

The one thing that I have been able to do consistently has been to pump pump pump. I pump 8 ounces in less than 10 minutes. In a 20 minute pumping session I get about 12-16 ounces. I have produced so much milk that the hospital no longer has any storage space for my dad is driving up from NJ and will be storing it in the basement freezer. There is also a freezer full at home. If there is one thing that I can be proud about it is my milk supply. It is the one thing that I can give for my boys. Therefore I will do whatever I need to do to protect it. Pumping every three hours whenever and whenever I can. I have not been able to breast feed at all. When Micah was in NICU back at home we tried and he did latch once..when he came home I kept trying but did not make any progress. With Josiah I have only put him to breast once..I would love to try again with him when I see him again.

Tonight my dad will pick me up and we will grab a bite. Then we will put my breast milk in the cooler and he will drive back home. I will continue to stay out here and be there for my precious little Micah. I continue to pray for his health and healing..nothing is impossible with God!


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