When It’s Time to End a Friendship

I am grateful for friendships. I believe that powerful, healthy friendships can inspire, breathe life, and encourage you in the valleys of life. These friendships will challenge you, correct you, and push you to do better and be better. When God places this kind of friend in your life, you hold on tight. I’ve written about that before about two of my closest friends.

Yet, I wanted to tackle this subject from the other side. What happens when a friendship is no longer life giving and instead seems to choke the life out of you? When instead of feeling challenged you feel defeated and instead of pushing you to your best, this friendship brings out all the ugly sides of you? What happens when a friendship is no longer very positive and produces no good fruit in your life? What do you do?

The Bible does say after all, “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” – ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

But what happens when a friendship turns toxic? What choices do you have? In my opinion, a pretty simple one. You end it and love from a distance. What I’m NOT saying: drop your friends at the drop of a hat anytime they’re struggling. Nope. I’m talking about a “friend” that consistently and continuously drains all the life out of you and more. Keep reading.

How do you know when and if you should do that?

1. The friendship is no longer life giving for either of you.

If friendship is supposed to be refreshing for the soul and it no longer happens to be, then it’s time to move on. A friend should not feel like a burden. When I spend time with good friends, I leave feeling happy and encouraged. The Bible says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17. If the only thing that’s sharp about this friendship is the attitude given both ways, re-examine. 

2. You are constantly pouring in with very little return.

Have you ever had a friendship where you’ve given your all only to receive nothing in return? Yes, it’s better to give than to receive, but a friendship where you’re always giving with very little reciprocated will suck all of the life out of you. These are the “friends” that you never hear from unless they are in crisis. Then you are supposed to drop your life to tend to theirs and if you can’t, you aren’t a good friend. No. Just no.

3. It’s always all about them with little interest in your life.

I love to talk, but even more so I like to listen [but don’t get me wrong, I can talk too].  I like to ask questions and learn more about a person. There’s a 90% chance I’ll ask something that’s personal or that most people might not dare to ask. I know this because my husband tells me all the time to relax on that end, but I can’t because I genuinely like learning about people. However, there are people who will demand that your entire world revolves around them without a simple, “HOW ARE YOU THOUGH?!” This isn’t cool. If very little interest is given to what’s going on in your life then it may be time to reevaluate.

4. It brings out the worst side of you.

If your friends bring out the worst aspects of your personality, it’s time to say #byefelicia. I won’t even elaborate on this one because I feel like it’s pretty self-explanatory.

5. It’s full of drama and they are petty as all get out.

I HATE DRAMA. There are people who thrive on drama and would love nothing better than to eat, sleep, and breathe it. Drama with a side of crisis please. No thanks! Save the drama for your mama. High school was more than ten years ago and I have zero interest in going back! People who will get mad over petty things (LIKE OMG, CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE DIDN’T SAY HI TO ME OR INVITE ME TO HER PARTY! *Insert Hair Toss Here*) have no place at my table. I’m a middle school teacher who deals with pettiness all day long (SO AND SO TOOK MY FIDGET SPINNER!) and will be over a petty drama filled person in two seconds flat. Ain’t. Nobody. Got. Time. For. That.

Questions You Might Have:

  • But what if we’ve been friends forever? He’s my childhood friend!

Just because something has been going on for a long time doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily a good thing. It may be a friendship of comfort or convenience. In my opinion, that is not enough of a good reason to maintain that kind of friendship if it looks like the reasons that I listed above.

  • What if my mission is to help them? After all, I really want to help them.

If you feel you have been specifically called by God to do that, then, by all means, go forth and do so. But so many times we try to save something or someone that we have no business saving.  There comes a certain point when helping someone begins to hurt them instead of helping them. You will wear yourself thin trying to constantly help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

Real Talk: I didn’t write this post because I have always been the epitome of a perfect friend. There have been a lot of times where I’ve failed and times where even now, I still get it wrong! But as I get older, I want to surround myself with people who will build me up, encourage me, challenge me, and put me in my place when I need to be put in my place. In the same regard, I want to be that person for others!

So here is my final thought: take a close look at some of the friendships in your life. Take a close look at yourself. Evaluate.

 

The Power of a Forever Friend

Every woman needs a forever friend. That 3 am friend you can call at any moment and they will have your back no matter what. They listen. They don’t judge you. They don’t gossip about you to others. When you hurt, they hurt. Their victory is your victory.  You want to see each other win at every single turn and celebrate each other when you do!

I once read this post about how childhood friendships are the BEST friendships you’ll ever have. I agree with so much of it. I have been blessed with SOLID friendship from two people in particular who have been there through the best and worst moments of my life. We have had ups down, we have loved each other, fought with each other, forgiven one another…and over fifteen years later, are still the ones I can go to no matter what. Life has proven this repeatedly and I realize how blessed I am to have this! Maybe you don’t have that kind of friend yet. Can I make a suggestion? BE that kind of friend for someone else. Here are the qualities of a forever friend:

  1. They’ve seen you at your absolute worse and absolute best. And still love you.

In literally my best and worst moments, my forever friends have been by my side. Engagement? Check. Wedding? Check. Parenting craziness? Check check. When

2. They aren’t intimidated by your success. When you win at life, they win and celebrate you.

Sometimes women don’t do well with celebrating other women. In a culture that at times, tries to pit us against one another, it’s a great thing to be surrounded by people who WILL celebrate your life wins with you. Promotions, meeting the love of your life, a new house, new car, exciting achievement. I wasn’t always so good at this! I struggled with comparison! I can honestly say, I’m not at that place and have grown, and I’m proud of that.

3. They’ll keep it real with you when no one else will.

My forever friends are the first one to call me on my crap. If I’m being a diva? They won’t tippy-toe around it. They’ll call me out quicker than you can blink an eye. They don’t do it to hurt me or tear me down, they do it because they love me. And so when it’s hard to hear what they might be saying in that particular moment, in the longterm, I’m grateful.

4. They hear you.

Good listeners are EVERYTHING. Nothing is worse than being around a person who doesn’t genuinely listen when you’re talking to them. Instead, they are thinking of what they can say next or cut in with what they want to say. A forever friend will hear you out, process what you’re saying, and then respond. Or sometimes say nothing. And that’s okay too.

5. They know how to laugh. At you and themselves.

They don’t take things too seriously! I love being able to laugh simply by making direct eye contact and thinking the EXACT same thing when you probably shouldn’t be. When everyone was taking tennis quite seriously, we were thrilled we found the perfect air guitars!

6. Major life moments – they’re there.

You’re not an inconvenience, burden. They do everything they can to support you at every turn. My girls have stood with me through dating, engagement, graduation, marriage, first home buying, preemie babies, and more. Even in the little life moments, it’s not a burden for them to be there because they want to be!

7. They make time for you. You make time for them.

Not a novel concept, but one of the biggest friendship killers out there. If someone or something is important to you, you make time for it or them. With one of my girls, we actually get our families together once a week and eat dinner, watch our favorite shows, catch up on life. We trade off on who will cook and where it will be. With both, if we can’t see each other we will call each other on the way to work, when we get off work, or text throughout the week.

8. They’re ridiculously loyal.

This means they have your back. You know that no matter what, they are your “ride or die.” The end!

I feel grateful that our friendship has withstood the test of time. Circumstances have shown me the solid, steady, strength I have in these amazing women. For that, I am insanely grateful.

I am more than a mommy.

iAmmore

  • I am a worshipper. I love to worship and sing. Just because I’m a mommy doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t mind someone watching my little ones so that I can participate on the worship team once in awhile 🙂 I am more than the frazzled lady in the back who has one baby strapped to her back and a stroller in the front, all while silently praying that they will fall asleep so I can enjoy the service. I am important too. I know that I may not “seem” as important as my husband, because he can play and sing at the same time, but I would love to contribute as well. Please don’t forget about me!
  • I am a friend. I still love to do all the things I loved to do before. I would still love to go out to Starbucks with you, would dieeee for the chance to go on a Plato’s closet shopping spree with you once again, and still enjoy talking on the phone. Don’t be afraid to call just because I’m a mommy – they are asleep by 8 pm every night! Adult conversation with someone other than my husband (no offense sweetie…) is welcomed! Don’t write me off because I became the three letter word. Yes, I’m a mom, but I am still me.
  • I am a wife. I love to go on dates. I would LOVE a date night. I know I have twins folks, but I promise babysitting them isn’t as bad as it sounds. I love to snuggle in the movie theaters, flirt at dinner like old times, and grab a frappe at my favorite place.
  • I am someone who enjoys a VARIETY of conversation topics. Yes, I love talking about my babies…but all of the time? How about a conversation about the latest episode of Jersey Belle? How about talking about how all things Nutella are simply amazing? I will even settle for, “How are you doing?”
  • I am an adventurer. I love spontaneity and I like to try new things. Roadtrips? A trip to the city for some sightseeing? Yes! Okay, it may take me a lot more planning, but don’t count me out of exciting happenings. I miss them. I know I can’t do them all, but don’t cross me off immediately! Please?
  • I am a teacher. I love what I do. I may not always love the politics involved, but I love the heart of what I do. I am a professional. I love that I have an opportunity to make an impact on the life of a student every day. It’s amazing and priceless.

…and I am a mom. And I love all that God has called me to be.

*Please don’t take this as a complaining type of post or ingratitude in any way. I love being a mom! However, I am not ONLY a mom. We all have our own journeys and this is an aspect of my journey that I am walking through. xo!*

 

Roadtripping to Texas without my babies. Mixed emotions!

Two weeks ago I found that one of my bestest friends in the whole wide universe was moving to Texas. She was my matron of honor at my wedding. She also happens to be the mother of my gorgeous four-year-old niece (my hubs and I are her godparents…!) and when I found out I was so excited for her but so sad for us! She has been offered an amazing opportunity to attend an amazing program related to ministry and it’s just not something that she can turn down. She feels strongly that God is leading her in this direction and I support her 100%, but gosh will I miss her! We’ve been best friends since we were about 13 years old. I spent sooo many nights sleeping over her house and would vacation with her and her family every single summer. She is one of those friends that you can bare your soul to with no qualms. She’s trustworthy, loyal, dependable, challenges me to my best, and has been a rock for me during some of the most difficult aspects of my life. When Micah was in the hospital, she stayed with me during some of the rough patches and was such a source of comfort. She is a lifelong friend and a sister (even though she is no longer married to my brother, they have been divorced for several years now) and I am excited for this new chapter of her life. But goodness, I will miss her so much. My heart hurts thinking about it.

Anyway, one day I was talking to my husband about it and getting really emotional. “Man, I wish there was some way I could spend more time with her since she’s leaving so soon! I will miss her and L soooo much!” and a little light bulb went off. What if I could take the trip out there with them but fly back? I could help her settle in, spend time with her, help her with the long drive, spend time with my niece….but I immediately shut it down. Too far fetched. Until it wasn’t.

Yesterday she texted me about a really cheap flight and I looked at my husband…”Should I?! Nah, it would be too crazy right? I couldn’t leave you and the boys for a week…right?” He looked at me and encouraged me, “You should do it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This chance isn’t going to come around again. You really should do it.” I thought about it and asked carefully, “But how will you manage with the boys for an entire week? Are you sure you would be okay? It’s a lot to handle…” I cautioned him nervously as I stared down at the screen of my phone. “I’ve got this. I’ll be fine, ” he continued casually. “But we leave for vacation the day after I get back! You would have to prep everything! I would have to prep everything! Nah, it’s too much,” I reasoned. “Do it,” he said. “You really should.” When I looked into his reassuring eyes, I knew he was right.

So, I will be road-tripping to TX with one of my best friends and my niece for a week! We are going to be checking out some sites, stopping to sleep, and pretty much making it a girls trip. I will be helping her drive and I will fly back once I’ve helped her settle in. AHHHH. I’m so excited! I will miss my boys SO much but I know that my husband is right, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to help out my BFF in this way and also spend tons of time with her and my niece. Also, since my husband has this time it’s a great opportunity to do something fun before we figure out what the next step is for our family. Also, It’s summertime and I have off. The week is free. I’m doing it. So, I will have lots of cool pics to share with you guys and lots of adventures to share as well. I will miss my boys sooo much but I am also really excited about the whole thing.

And to top it all off, we will be celebrating the babies’ birthday this Saturday! You know how you invite people and don’t expect them all to come? I want to say we invited 70-80 people and so far we have had 60 people say they are definitely coming and I know we will have more show up who just didn’t let me know they were coming. INSANE. I’m surprised because usually you invite a certain amount of people and there is always a portion of people who can’t come, but in our case it seems like EVERYONE is coming! This is great but also makes me freak out a bit! My husband says it was the same way for my baby shower. More people showed up than were invited it seems. So many people love these boys and want to celeberate with us. I appreciate that too. Needless to say, I will have lots to share with all of you! Until then!

awesomeness

IF can feel pretty lonely sometimes. Grateful for the few that seem to “get it.”

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Yesterday, two of our good friends, Roberto & Ana, came over (who have an adorable five month old by the way) to bring us a “gift.” They were friends who knew about our struggles with trying to conceive. When my hubby was speaking with Roberto a couple of weeks ago, he disclosed the fact that we experienced a chemical pregnancy. Roberto was so upset by this news, he started to tear up and offered words of encouragement to my husband..which really touched hubby. Anyway, a week later, he texted us letting us know him and his wife wanted to drop off something to us. So, yesterday they came over briefly armed with a box of chocolate covered strawberries, bananas, and apples..and an encouraging card. It was very touching, When I first heard that they were coming over, I was apprehensive. The last thing that I wanted to do was relieve the pain, cry, or even think about what happened..but it wasn’t like that at all. They simply wanted us to know they were in our corner, rooting and praying for our success. I feel incredibly blessed to have them as friends.

It is the most unlikely of people who are proving to be the greatest support system for us. I thought it would have been our best friends…but strangely enough it has been the people from my job and people that I would not expect. It’s weird…our best friends never bring it up. When we told them about it over dinner, I cried..they sympathized and tried to understand…then we kind of ignored the topic for the rest of the night. I can’t blame them. After all, what DO you say? How DO you act? With certain people..I don’t want to talk about it..but I also felt like it was dismissed. I don’t know…I guess I expected more from them. Sometimes my husband and I just feel so alone and also like people that do know about our struggles don’t necessarily care..or at least not the ones we expect too! IF is such a lonely road. Even with an amazing support system…since they can’t really relate to what I’m going through, I still feel alone. That’s why this blog is such an outlet to me. Sometimes I want to say the following things to people:

People – How are you?

Me – AWFUL. Do you know what it’s like to have a needle stuck in you every day? Every day when you hate needles! Every day when your husband says “Does it hurt?” and I say “Of course it hurts! It’s a needle!” Especially the needle that has to go in your butt! That one makes me bleed because I tense up and it’s terrible terrible terrible. Do you know what it’s like to want to have a baby on your own but you can’t? Instead you have to depend on medications, needles, and your body feels all out of wack? Do you know what it’s like to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant..only to find out JUST KIDDING..you’re not..it’s a chemical pregnancy. Then, you have to deal with the loss..which some people don’t even consider a loss..but to you, it’s very real and very sad. You feel like the good news was just snatched away from you..and you shouldn’t have gotten too happy too soon. Do you know what it’s like to have to start from scratch?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::SIGH::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I’m sorry. I try to stay pleasant but I had to get that off of my chest. Sometimes, I just want to scream. I feel like IF has alienated me from my best friend. There, I will say it. Because as much as I love her, I’m incredibly hurt that her biggest concern is her wedding and how my possible pregnancy (if I were to get pregnant) would affect her wedding. I feel like it is insensitive and downright hurtful…and even selfish. Doesn’t she understand that if I had any control over getting pregnant, I would have gotten pregnant a year ago? Does she understand that I don’t want to wait an entire year to have a baby because of her wedding? That after her wedding is over, our lives will go on? THAT PEOPLES LIVES DON’T SIMPLY STOP BECAUSE A PERSON IS GETTING MARRIED! Lord, help me. I am the maid of honor. Something I have looked forward to since we were kids..but a part of me is so frustrated and so stinkin’ mad. Where is the sensitivity chip? Or maybe I’m being too sensitive. Who knows.

This is why I’m grateful for people like Roberto and Ana. I’m grateful for the people at my job. People who may not necessarily understand every step that I’m going through, but get that this is a very difficult and painful process. I appreciate those who are praying for us, rooting for our success…wanting this to work out for us. I know our best friends care and are praying for us too..but I just want a simple “Hey…how are you guys? How are you doing with everything?” That’s simply all I want. I’m sorry I have come off like a complainer but I needed to get that out.

On a lighter note…my husband’s father, who he has not seen for four years..is with us for a week from Puerto Rico! This has been amazing for my husband, who has missed his father and longed for a better relationship with him. My hubby took off the whole week from work and has been having an amazing time with his father. I’m grateful for the timing. Have a fantastic weekend all! Good luck to all of my fellow IF people <3 You are always in my thoughts and prayers..always.

Colds and Fabulous Husbands

At the moment I am currently dealing with a cold/flu which could not have come at the worst time ever! I was really worried about how this would affect the embies but after some research I found out that I should be okay. I just need to take care of myself, rest, drink fluids, etc. But still deep down I’m thinking, that the timing stinks! I usually get sick during this time of the year as a teacher, dealing with students and all of their germs. I take extra precautions but the cold still comes for me! For those reading, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

On a positive note, I feel like I have the best husband ever. Throughout this whole process he has been so supportive and so selfless and amazing. Our schedule is pretty intense typically. For example: Monday nights I have bible class. Tuesday night worship practice. Wednesday night Church. Thursday night once a month Book Club, Friday once a month we help out with the youth at our church, and Sunday we have service. This week was also Back to School Night! Hubby had laundry done, dinner cooked, house cleaned, dishes done…pretty much I was able to come home and actually relax without having to do anything! My husband has an intense job himself, he is a store manager working towards a promotion and works a grueling schedule. During his downtime he could choose to relax and do what he wants to do, but instead he decides to help me out. I feel grateful. Plus, he’s the ones that gave me all my IVF shots from beginning to end..he still gives me the Progesterone shot and I know for a fact, that giving a needle to someone you love is NEVER  fun thing. Yet, he’s done a fantastic job with it. I feel grateful. When we are finally blessed with a precious baby I know he is going to be an amazing Dad because he is pretty selfless when it comes to me. Today I’m going to make him one of his favorite dinners and make sure he just relaxes!

Happy Saturday!